May 20, 2018 By Nick
Women, are you struggling to communicate with your man? Are all men pigs?
Maybe you’re the problem!
We think it might be the case. Men aren’t defective women, no matter what your Gender Studies college professor told you.
We think different and we act different. So here are 15 really simple rules that will help you understand where we’re coming from.
1. Men Are Not Mindreaders. Use Your words.
Subtle cues and non-verbal communication are for your girlfriends. Stop it. Explain yourself and communicate like an adult.
2. The Toilet Seat Will Not Kill You
You’re a big, tough, equal girl. If the toilet seat is up, you can put it down without contracting Hepatitis. We don’t complain when you leave it down and this is part of a unique concept we call ‘give and take’.
3. Bring Us A Problem And We Will Try To Solve It.
Men are natural problem solvers. It’s a skill. So if you bring a problem, we’re not going to listen to you bitch about it for an hour. We’re going to break it down and give you an answer. If you don’t want that, maybe bitch to your girlfriends.
4. We Don’t Care What You Wear.
As long as it’s not a pussy hat, or a ‘This is What a Feminist Looks Like’ T-shirt, wear what you want and do not consult us. We literally don’t care and we’re just making noises so you will stop.
5. Yes And No Are Great Answers
We use them a lot and they work. We don’t need to expand on them most of the time.
6. There Is No Hidden Meaning
We are clear, we are direct and we say what we want. If there’s another weird meaning in your batshit crazy head that makes you cry, this is your personal issue.
7. You Are Not Our Manager.
You can ask us to help you, and we probably will, but if you then micro manage us and tell us how you want things done, we’re probably going to fall out.
8. Don’t Ask Us To Explain A Film Every Five Minutes
It’s simple: if you watch it, you’ll understand. If you don’t want to watch it, stay quiet. Don’t ask us to explain every few minutes, then again because you were listening to us and not the TV.
9. The Silent Treatment is Unacceptable
When we were children, we determinedly ignored people too. Then we grew up. You should too.
Angry silence is a pathetic way to communicate. Don’t do it
In fact the silent treatment is one of the clearest signs that you’re dating a crazy bitch and it will get you dumped.
10. ‘I’m Fine’ Is Just As Bad
When we ask if anything is wrong and you tell us you’re fine, we’re just going to assume you are. We know you’re lying, and we’re fine with it, we just can’t be bothered with your petulant drama.
11. You Are Equal, Or You Need Help. Pick One
Strong independent wymyn are fast becoming a total joke. With rights come responsibilities. So if you want to be equal, walk the walk and don’t just talk BS.
You can be a strong and independent woman, or you can be a damsel in distress. There are men out there for both kinds of women.
But you cannot be both. They are basically opposite things. If you try and play both roles then you are inconsistent, and inconsistency is one of the hallmarks of insanity.
Do this and we will slowly start to point out your hypocrisy. First it will be little jokes, then it will be cutting sarcasm. Finally we will be unable to disguise our contempt for your double-standards, hypocrisy and total lack of integrity or moral fiber.
12. You Don’t Want To Know What We Think Of Your Friends
You think your best friend is like a Sex & The City character. We see a future cat lady with a house full of gin and broken dreams. We already have your drama to deal with, don’t give us hers too.
13. Your Friends Are Not The Law
If you take our relationship problems to the village elders that are your circle of friends, then go live with them.
This is not done by committee, you are an adult and if you tell me that your friends all think we should be married by now, or that you are being mistreated, I’ll assume we’re breaking up.
13. Crying Is Blackmail
Behaving like a child when you don’t get your way is unacceptable. Deal with the issues like a fucking adult.
14. Don’t Get Fat
We will try and love you for who you are, but if you sit on the sofa eating Twinkies all day, it’s kind of hard to respect that. Put less calories in your mouth than you burn with your muscles. It’s a simple equation.
15. We Tolerate Your Parents, Respect That
Just occasionally, parents are cool. Most of the time they’re assholes who think you’re not good enough for their daughter even if you’re a billionaire hedge fund manager with a giant cock, perfect genetics and a distant relation to royalty.
We will tolerate your parents, but we don’t want to go every week…